This Place has Meaning

This week I found myself in a place I NEVER thought I would be!
  I sat in a small and secure hospital room with a "well known Doctor", who specializes in pain management. This Doctor is very educated, intelligent, well practiced, and extremely kind. I noticed the doctor making special efforts to speak very gently. I especially noticed the small and slow movements that this doctor made with her hands and feet. It was very peculiar. But, this doctor has a really nice voice. I really appreciate the quiet tone of her voice, and the eye contact that she is making. I’m feeling ready to talk with her. 
My husband and I started talking with the doctor in much detail, about of the last 3 years of my chronic head pain.
  First we talked about where the pain may have originated. We explored options like, my dirt bike accident that happened when I was 15years old. That was like 20 years ago. We only brought that up because we had read some stuff that said brain injuries can cause such chronic head pain 20 or 30 years after an injury.  The doctor confirmed this study to be true. 

  Second, we talked about when my headaches began. They started after my 3rd  pregnancy in September  2013. They were ever-present and daily. I didn’t take any strong medication for them because I was breast feeding my new baby, and I didn’t want to harm him. Also mild medication did nothing to relieve the pain. I learned to bare the extra pain, and not cry because it hurt to much to cry!

There were 2 different times I went into the doctor wanting to die because my head pain was impossible to bare, I was so exhausted, and unable to sleep. At the time, the doctor gave me a shot to relief the excruciating pain. And it worked, I received strength to go on. 

There were lots of prayers that year. I was praying constantly for pain relief. My husband was praying for relief. Our extended family were all praying. I needed heavens help. Then miraculously it came! After one year of breast feeding, my baby moved onto solid foods and drinking water.  My headaches went away for good. 

  Third, we started to tell the doctor when my headaches returned. My chronic daily headaches began at the beginning of my 4th pregnancy January 2015 and never left me in peace. My constant painful companion! All the way through my pregnancy it was there, and  still remains - always and forever by my side. On the right side at the top of my neck, just below my skull; it crawls over the top of  my head and spreads wide, it sneaks down my forehead, settles under my eyes, into both my cheek bones, and weighs heavy in my jaw bones. If you know me, you can literally see the pain cover my face. 

  We also talked with the doctor about food sensitivities and headache triggers. I found that sugar is a big trigger, especially artificial sweetener. My stomach is sensitive to gluten and I have noticed when I choose to ignore my need to avoid gluten that is an automatic migraine.  

                 -  de’ja’vu  -

Finally we get to the part about listing off all the things I’ve done to try and help my headaches. 

These discussions are exhausting. 

I've been over the details 100 times. I seem to explain it over and over again in hopes to find a solution. Then, here I am again . . . details, details, details, and in the end I have continued pain. 

All the meetings are the same - results are all the same. 

 "THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM"

? A new element ?

Combating,  my now- present depressive state. 

It's been a long 3 years of chronic daily pain. I have been hiding away and trying to survive each day. It's near impossible for me to get out to see and talk with anyone . It's hard to predict how much pain I will have, and how far from home I can go. The daily coach inside of me will say,  "Just get through another day." This is hard to face.  And it's hard to admit, but I have been in a very very low and lonely place. This pain has changed me.
The biggest surprised to me was at the end of my appointment. . .
The Doctor looked at me in the eyes with absolute concern and asked, "Are you safe to leave my office?" My already present teardrops turned into a heavy downpour. I began to shake and sob.
I pondered the question, "Am I safe to leave?" – Then a flood of my own questions swept me away.
Why am I here in this dark, dark place? 

How did I get here?

Is this for real? 

Is this really me? 

Then my aching heart sincerely screamed –  "This is not me!"
Another question from the Doctor, "Have you ever thought of killing yourself?"
I cried! 

I hated that question. Why had I been asked this question? I hated that I needed to answer this question. Most of all I hated that I had to explain thoughts that my husband was completely unaware of. I had to explain thoughts that I was really unaware of.
Literally, NO! I have not thought of ways to kill myself. But I have asked questions, and my mind has ventured into places that I never thought I would go. Sometimes I wonder . . .  if this pain is here to stay then, what is this for? Where is the joy? Am I sucking all the joy out of all our lives? Where can my kids find peace, love, and joy? Where can my husband not suffer, while I suffer? Is there someone else who can take my place? Can someone else bring more love for life? Who can bring my family more joy, when I’m gone?–These are my questions.
 I do need some help, I do need a lift up. I just never realized where I ended up. Thank you for asking these hard questions! You are a good Doctor.
The Doctor decided to  prescribe some depression medication that helps with Migraines, that will help lift my mood too. She also prescribed some counseling with a psychiatrist, and some physical therapy for my neck, shoulders and back.

My dear husband lifts me and encourages me. He reminds me that the reason I am here in this office is because of the chronic pain that I am experiencing every day. He said, "I am amazed that it has taken 3 years to finally take this toll on you. You are incredibly strong. You have been fighting an un-winnable fight. Anyone in your shoes would be here too."

THIS PLACE HAS MEANING! I am finding strength along the way, and one day I will look back and say . . . it's all ok.